My Winona.

Recently things haven't been what anyone would class as easy.

Sometimes, I overthink things and then those thoughts fall deep into the shards that I am too afraid to pull out of myself. I shouldn't describe things like this as metaphors but it's hard not to because I have done for so long. I need to find myself, I need to catch myself and take a small breath before I do this again.

Lately I have only been thinking about myself, and maybe if I didn't think this way or even have these mood swings I wouldn't be contemplating this. But then being a firm believer in fate it would be unquestionable to say that.

What I am getting at is I need to find out who I am before I go and destroy someone else.

I wouldn't like to say myself that I am damaged but I guess you could say, and I doubt that will ever be fixed but that my friends is life - its oh so sweet bitter kiss. I want to desperately find my winona. I want that so bad, but I know in my heart that if I don't figure out how to overcome my problems thats going to be impossible.

My soul needs a winona.

That sounds selfish, oh how it does, but to be honest however great it is to play the field I would much rather give my whole heart to someone. I want someone that will hold my hand and thats enough to keep me happy, or when I'm feeling low all I need to do is speak to them to feel okay. That is unrealistic until I find myself and what scares me is that might not ever happen.

My winona is waiting at the sunset, just likes yours, but whether we find this is all down to number one.

This all sounds crazy because I'm talking half optimistically, because I do believe that person is there somewhere, whether I will ever be willing to them in is another tale. It would just be nice to one day find a winona, then nothing else will matter - rich or poor - I will be genuinely happy.

If this is what i think, that I don't know, then this winona will forever wait for me in the sunset or ride off with some other chick.

Theres a small line between us and them.

The irony will kill us all. My friends, watch this space.

I've been thinking a lot lately, I mean, about life experience and stuff like that. And it turns out that the things we accept and the things we over prepare for will probably destroy us all. I mean think about it - tomorow say if metaphorically you were told you had cancer, then after a while it spread to your other organs; what would you do?

Its common knowledge that you cant remove infected organs because its pointless, and that destroys hope. Hope is what gets us through day to day life. The hope that tomorow will be better, the hope one day we'll fall in love. But what if you knew the answers to them? The irony would destroy us. If we know all the answers then there isn't any point at all because sometimes a little bit of hope is better than being a hollow casket of flesh and bone.

We live in a world where, if crisis breaks out, we worry because we know too much. Now, with this whole flu thing, I'm not worrying too much about it. But say if it did become a pandemic and if we did know that nothing will work then the irony will be set in stone.

That scares the hell out of me.

Right now though, apparently our country is the best to cope with this because theres an antidote for one in four apparently. But if it does become a pandemic, whos to say the virus won't mutate? I mean its the natural defense mechanism of antibiotics.

I think I'm going to stop talking about this because I'm freaking myself out.

For now, we're all safe...but irony has a funny way of biting the ass a bit like karma.

What this space.

The dollar is down.

"Meredith grey - child of darkness."

I just watched the funniest ever episode of greys anatomy.
That one got me bad, not as much as the look on Christinas face when Izzie 'died.' I actually hope she doesn't though, my favourite character.

Anyway, I'm totally stoked for friday. At 3.00pm (GMT) the 'your name in neon' new line of clandestine industries goes on sale. I'm hoping to get the Lion hoodie, and even better if it's in the first 100 because they come with a signed note pad by the actual Pete Wentz. Lets be fair, that's going to be the closed I'll ever get to him. Haha. I just hope i can get enough money for my DS because the exchange rate is so formidable at the moment I may as well pay it in pounds.

Actually i take that back, the exchange rate is pretty damn good. So the hoodie i want comes to (roughly) 90 dollars which in british pounds is £61.3413304, pretty good right? Then i have £20 spare for the tax, presuming it will be taxed. But i think I'm going to do some research on the taxing because it would be handy on how much i need to sell on saturday.

Its may day up town on saturday, should be fun, I'm obviously not going to have any money for some stuff but I guess I shouldn't drink anyway.

1. Its my mums birthday
2. Its the anniversary of my grandad's passing two days after.

Considering alcohol's an antidepressant I'm sure you can see where I'm coming from here.

Times are sweet, but this week is going to be tediously boring. I'm not sure about a lot of things right now and to top it off I have an art exam on Tuesday I am no where near ready for. Well thats a lie, my final piece will be done fairly quickly so I haven't really got much to worry about there, I can do loads of prep in the time left over.

Also

If your feeling low, of even that little bit uninspired go and listen to KT tunstall. Her music is amazing and has the simplicity enough to pick up any mood.

I'll stop boring you with my rambling, I'm only doing it to reasure myself haha.

"I'm saving my luck, saving my face."

If I were to read into this I'd probably end up dead.

"I keep my grammar well rehearsed, correct evert stutter every slur. Kind of like a bird, watching patiently for a mistake that will change everything. But not exactly clear to the eye, more so reading between the lines whilst a scar rips open around the tight chest.

Falling apart, apart, its a simple art, art.

Your all I see, sink into me, Sharpen you teeth, sink into me.

Imerse me in this dark place, forever more."



So, So, So.

I'm getting that hoodie i wanted, presuming there isn't a better one available. I managed to persuade my mum that £80 is enough to cover everything, Including tax, and its ridiculous if it isn't.

I think im gonna go get lost in Bones now, I'm not really buying this whole positivity because it thought i would feel better but instead i feel ten times worse.

Leibe.

Clandestine is my winona

How amazing is this hoodie!? I want it, but theres only been 300 made, and i doubt that i can afford it...not with taxing and everything. But its actually amazing! I bet its nice and warm too...

I think im gonna sell my DS before may 1st

Taking Back Funday.

Retaliation is just as bad as perseverance.
Presumption is just as bad as misinterpretation.
And caring is just as bad as being heartless.

Pathetic

1. Causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness, sorrow, etc; pitiful, a pathetic letter, a pathetic sight.

2. Affecting or moving feelings.

3. Pertaining to or caused by the feelings.

4. Miserably or contemptibly inadequate: In return for our investment we get a pathetic three percent interest.

Everything is connected and everything turns up in shame. I hate myself for the misinterpretations of my presumptions and every retaliation is ten times as bad as perseverance. Someone once said that you can't place a plaster on an arterial bleed - you've just got to let it heal. Now I understand healing isn't easy. Complication occurs, infection spreads. It’s like an anaesthetic and you can't see what’s really happening in front of you. Everything's just running out of control - life support machines being hooked up, heart monitor on, it's not looking good. All of that is enough to lose yourself and to see the true point.

Hate is a strong word, and aiming at someone’s pain is just as bad as pulling the plug on a strangers life support machine. Sometimes you have got to be selfish to be selfless, but what is selflessness when you can't even see the message right in front of your face.

I told myself I was better but things have gone too far. I'm back at square one and this time I am not persevering through this.

Here is my message:

If you have something to say to me then say it. Seriously, or are you going to be as 'petty' as me and not realise how miserable everything is?

'Inversions'

I just realised,

KT Tunstalls music is amazing.

Have your way with me...

My mp3 player died on the way to school. I mean actually died, it won't turn on (sadface)

So tomorow I'm going down to Argos with my mum to get an Ipod shuffle and then we're going to see my grandad and put some flowers on his grave.

My hand hurts today though, I accidently got frozen sausages thrown at me, haha, ouchh.

Sharpen your teeth

So i had that music thing today, it went terribly this morning but the afternoon session worked far more better. It sounded really good, the cover of pavlove, the bass really layered it (I do thank Matt for helping me out there.)

I'm now in an awesome mood because my mum let my download something off itunes for the first ever time! Ahh it be, Taking Back Sunday - Sink Into Me, possibly one of the best songs i have heard this year. I have a good feeling about their new album (New again) it has the raw-ity in sound equivalent to 'Tell all your friends' and yet it has the lyrical and guitar crashing sound of that to 'Where you want to be.' Obviously i didn't think that i would like this album at all, purely because Frederic left two years a go which i was severely gutted about. But this Fazzi guy is good news!

Anyway, im gonna get my subject sorted out tomorow. I want to change Sociology to Maths and English Lang to Biology. S'all good :)

"Your all I see, sink into me. Alright?"

Seven Miles From The Sun

Anybody heard, 'the sun' by Maroon 5?

Its really upbeat, after a day like today it's so easy to just get lost into the weaving of the soft bass line...

A series of unfortunate events.

Winter cold ice; drop hard onto my phosphurus skin,
Daggered and corporate, i am letting you in.
All along the meadow we had,
Its a promise i'm keeping to be glad.

What am i to do with you?
What am i going through?

Lets dream something real...

Summer-slain honey drop onto my leatherhead,
Young and youthful against the grassy soft blades.
All along the stream we had,
Its a lie that we could do without.

What am i to do with you?
What am i going through?

Lets do something flawless...

I shall tell you,
Oh comatose child, perfect and charitable, angelic and mild.
I will lie to you,
Oh decietful sin, hostile and irritable, demonic hard skinned.

What am I to do with you?
On my phospurus,
What am i going through?
In my leatherhead,
What am I to do with you?
Something real
What am i going through?
Something flawless.

Something real, something flawless,
Something thats the opposite of you,
Something thats the opposite of you.
Something thats the opposite of you.
Something thats the opposite of you.
Ohh...

June 2.

Dear whomever,

One day we are all going to wake up, and when we do it's going to hurt. Currently I am taking off the comatose wires which once held me in a restless sleep and now the music is pumping through the walls. I am, I am ready to be new again. I would like an attempt at shiny - a 'clean break.' Easier to heal that way.

Never i am going to be pain free but this moment is enough to make myself hope for a better exhistance than the current affairs. But i am, I am ready to be new again, aren't you?

Finders Keepers

You got a nerve
Giving me the cold shoulder
Giving me the twice over, thats not deserved.
And well talk, again when youre sober
you said that ive got cold, our heat has gone
I wanna be in your eyes; so you can see, what youve done
I wanna be in your ears; so you can hear, everything thats been missing

Finders keepers
Will you keep me in mind
I like secrets
Cause they keep me in line
Old habits die hard
But Im too young to die

I guess its a mess
That you make your best
So why are we still laying in it
And I could barely sleep, I could I barely eat and its been three whole weeks since I heard you speak
So youre sober today, feeding months of bills to break
Oh learn your mistakes
Especially ones youve made
(I bet youre sorry)

Finders keepers
Will you keep me in mind
I like secrets
Cause they keep me in line
Old habits die hard
But Im too young to die

Finders keepers
The whole thing is a lie
You wont find her
Cause shes too hard to find
So my advise and only run a mile

And have another drink
And then think this one over
Youll dig yourself a grave, everyday, when youre sober
You see, what I mean, at your best interest your all overme
I could never be what you need.

Finders keepers
Will you keep me in mind
I like secrets
Cause they keep me in line
Old habits die hard
But Im too young too die

Finders keepers
The whole thing is a lie
You wont find her
Cause shes too hard to find
So my advise and only run a mile
And I bet, you guess, me right
(you guess me, yes, you guessed me right)
I bet you guess me right.

Not my words, but Joshua Franicantspellsci, the whole damn song tells a story i have read far to many times to count. I love songs like that, a bit like the shipped, songs that i can relate directly too. Metaphorically speaking of course.



New song from You me at six - listen to it

"You've got a nerve..."

I love how every single word is seperated, adds to a really good effect, hits hard doesn't it?

Melachonic Happiness

Good morning, Good Evening, Goodnight.

Tis a strange feeling this. I feel like i have been injected with a boost of happiness, i like it, but i hate what its masking. There i go again, the ole pessimism kicking in like an upthrust. You see lately, i have found myself wondering what it would feel like to be in love. I mean properly in love. I hate how the majority of kids my age go round spreading off the 'L' word like theres no tomorow - "Yeah, so er, we've been going out a day i think it's about time I told you how much you mean to me. I luff youuu." Pleh! Go to a dark place, i am talking about an actual metaphoric dark place where it makes you shake thinking of it - and then after getting out of that month peril still carry the same feelings you did before. I mean seriously, sure there are some exceptions but i think to be in love, really in love, it would take more than that :/

Oh dear, there i go offending everyone. Again.

Aha note - im not holding back on the sarcasm today.

Now back to that feeling. I'm not sure if it is love, but i would like to think it is. But i doubt it, nothing that good ever strikes down on me.

Lol.

The fun of everything...

Uggh!

Right now i wish i could be sucked up into a hole.

I cant even close my fucking door - great.

Sink into me

"Y'all that lie here be ye crazy sinners."

So this morning i woke up with one of those lines in your head. You may or may not know, i think it depends on how your brain works, but its like when theres just a sentance running around and flares off and idead. Then your head runs in overdrive - a bit like a rollarcoaster.

Some ideas are good, some are bad. But that happens.

I have been playing around with a lot of ideas lately, but i really want to write about something thats real. So it clicked this morning. True Love. Its real, its rare and the mojority of us won't see it through our lifetime. Depressing but real.

Choices effect everything we do - but thats all i am gonna say because i need to get this shit written down. I dont really want anyone stealing my idea. Haha. *So fickle Helen*

I think i might go get it all written down now :)

Folie

"I am the invisble man who can't stop staring in the mirror."

I sometimes think that I'm going

c
r
a
z
y...

I know that sometimes i most certainly should be. Theres enough error bars flashing above my head to allow this to be a reality. But then what if this was all an illusion? That right there, that's probably why i think i am going crazy.


I would really like to open up my heart to someone right now, but i can't, theres this block around my cage, possibly even a lock? When that feeling returns it seems to just suffocate it, numb it out like a tranquiliser. Thats surely not normal? Who needs drugs when we have hormones eh?

Its all just hormones. And one day when all of the pressure is simply sucked away the true danger of a teenage ways will truly become apparent.

Scars line the back side of my cage, scars are stitched onto us all.

Also...

Another revelation that is apparent for this blog is for some reason i have fallen in love with Liar (takes one to know one) again.

:)

"Somerthing make my chest stir."

Pavlove.

Wanna go to a disco?

"Let's Drop."

I love Elliot Minor they have that amazing ability of shining up my world when everything seems drop bottom. I knew they'd be touring soon but they have just gone and picked a perfect time to do so to be honest. So here is a small advertisement to those that know me:

So my car has three seats in the back and if you wanna come along pm me on msn. Tickets are £15 (freaking cheap!) and i need to know before next tuesday cause i would like to buy them before they go on general sale since its at such an intimate venue.

But what about GCSE's?

Well its in July, the 2nd to be precise, so the exams'll all be done so we can go early hopefully meet the guys and get a good spot at the front :)

Interested? Sweet Dude.

Angels and Agonistics

Introduction.

I don’t really understand people; I doubt I ever really will. Now I mean there are some really good ones, they’re pure, kind and understand when there's a line. But then there are others that simply don’t get that – at all. I think it could be a genetic thing. Some brains have a block that doesn’t allow them to understand bad social situations. I’d like to think that I am one of those people that can understand.

But, I don’t suppose I’ll never know.

If I did know these answers, the answers to everything I would build a time machine. Then I could go back to when things were easier. Maybe scream outside my head and repeat on where things are about to go wrong, then maybe there would be a higher majority that actually understand what to do - So very few that do.

I don’t want to go all Wordsworth on this blog but its times like these when I simply can’t help myself. I mean maybe if everyone had a brain like him, then maybe these little problems we tangle our minds in would simply not exist. We’d all stop and think before acting. And to be honest with the whole acting careers I don’t understand why people are paid to do it, everyone does it all the time. It’s so easy; you can do it without even realising it. It’s called lying.

Back to my friend Wordsworth, he had an interesting way of viewing this world. He thought about it and wrote it down in poetry. Note the word thought. The high tech lives that we live complicate things but that doesn’t mean to say that we have to disintegrate our dignity in the process. Stop and think maybe, then that way cauldrons won’t bubble over?

“You can only blame your problems on the world for so long.”

I don’t think people look into these things properly. In general the world is too busy blaming its problems on the escape goat and at the end of the day there's only one person that it comes down to. Number one. Sure, sometimes actions and words do contribute to something but somewhere down the track something’s gone wrong because no one thinks anymore. Hour after hour I have sat here thinking about this, on how I, myself, am a hypocrite for writing this. I have blamed my problems on many people before, maybe not to word but to thought which is a sin in its own. If you take care for other peoples thoughts and feelings before you act then there is no need for a stage to display yourself on. Things would be easier.

‘I think that it is this kind of thing that separates angels from sinners. ‘

If people thought we wouldn’t be stabbing each other in the street, beating each other up over money, and maybe wars wouldn’t be so brutal. But people don’t think - people act. Its tests like these that shape the human race as a whole, so ask yourself how are you contributing? Chemicals do not run our minds - we do. We hold the steering wheel; a drunk driver is illegal so not thinking could be transposed as doing that inside your head. One day you could kill someone. Metaphorically speaking of course.

Modern day life is selfish, so next time think, because I know I’d rather shape myself up to an angel, wouldn’t you?

I repent.