My Winona.

Recently things haven't been what anyone would class as easy.

Sometimes, I overthink things and then those thoughts fall deep into the shards that I am too afraid to pull out of myself. I shouldn't describe things like this as metaphors but it's hard not to because I have done for so long. I need to find myself, I need to catch myself and take a small breath before I do this again.

Lately I have only been thinking about myself, and maybe if I didn't think this way or even have these mood swings I wouldn't be contemplating this. But then being a firm believer in fate it would be unquestionable to say that.

What I am getting at is I need to find out who I am before I go and destroy someone else.

I wouldn't like to say myself that I am damaged but I guess you could say, and I doubt that will ever be fixed but that my friends is life - its oh so sweet bitter kiss. I want to desperately find my winona. I want that so bad, but I know in my heart that if I don't figure out how to overcome my problems thats going to be impossible.

My soul needs a winona.

That sounds selfish, oh how it does, but to be honest however great it is to play the field I would much rather give my whole heart to someone. I want someone that will hold my hand and thats enough to keep me happy, or when I'm feeling low all I need to do is speak to them to feel okay. That is unrealistic until I find myself and what scares me is that might not ever happen.

My winona is waiting at the sunset, just likes yours, but whether we find this is all down to number one.

This all sounds crazy because I'm talking half optimistically, because I do believe that person is there somewhere, whether I will ever be willing to them in is another tale. It would just be nice to one day find a winona, then nothing else will matter - rich or poor - I will be genuinely happy.

If this is what i think, that I don't know, then this winona will forever wait for me in the sunset or ride off with some other chick.

Theres a small line between us and them.

The irony will kill us all. My friends, watch this space.

I've been thinking a lot lately, I mean, about life experience and stuff like that. And it turns out that the things we accept and the things we over prepare for will probably destroy us all. I mean think about it - tomorow say if metaphorically you were told you had cancer, then after a while it spread to your other organs; what would you do?

Its common knowledge that you cant remove infected organs because its pointless, and that destroys hope. Hope is what gets us through day to day life. The hope that tomorow will be better, the hope one day we'll fall in love. But what if you knew the answers to them? The irony would destroy us. If we know all the answers then there isn't any point at all because sometimes a little bit of hope is better than being a hollow casket of flesh and bone.

We live in a world where, if crisis breaks out, we worry because we know too much. Now, with this whole flu thing, I'm not worrying too much about it. But say if it did become a pandemic and if we did know that nothing will work then the irony will be set in stone.

That scares the hell out of me.

Right now though, apparently our country is the best to cope with this because theres an antidote for one in four apparently. But if it does become a pandemic, whos to say the virus won't mutate? I mean its the natural defense mechanism of antibiotics.

I think I'm going to stop talking about this because I'm freaking myself out.

For now, we're all safe...but irony has a funny way of biting the ass a bit like karma.

What this space.

The dollar is down.

"Meredith grey - child of darkness."

I just watched the funniest ever episode of greys anatomy.
That one got me bad, not as much as the look on Christinas face when Izzie 'died.' I actually hope she doesn't though, my favourite character.

Anyway, I'm totally stoked for friday. At 3.00pm (GMT) the 'your name in neon' new line of clandestine industries goes on sale. I'm hoping to get the Lion hoodie, and even better if it's in the first 100 because they come with a signed note pad by the actual Pete Wentz. Lets be fair, that's going to be the closed I'll ever get to him. Haha. I just hope i can get enough money for my DS because the exchange rate is so formidable at the moment I may as well pay it in pounds.

Actually i take that back, the exchange rate is pretty damn good. So the hoodie i want comes to (roughly) 90 dollars which in british pounds is £61.3413304, pretty good right? Then i have £20 spare for the tax, presuming it will be taxed. But i think I'm going to do some research on the taxing because it would be handy on how much i need to sell on saturday.

Its may day up town on saturday, should be fun, I'm obviously not going to have any money for some stuff but I guess I shouldn't drink anyway.

1. Its my mums birthday
2. Its the anniversary of my grandad's passing two days after.

Considering alcohol's an antidepressant I'm sure you can see where I'm coming from here.

Times are sweet, but this week is going to be tediously boring. I'm not sure about a lot of things right now and to top it off I have an art exam on Tuesday I am no where near ready for. Well thats a lie, my final piece will be done fairly quickly so I haven't really got much to worry about there, I can do loads of prep in the time left over.

Also

If your feeling low, of even that little bit uninspired go and listen to KT tunstall. Her music is amazing and has the simplicity enough to pick up any mood.

I'll stop boring you with my rambling, I'm only doing it to reasure myself haha.

"I'm saving my luck, saving my face."

If I were to read into this I'd probably end up dead.

"I keep my grammar well rehearsed, correct evert stutter every slur. Kind of like a bird, watching patiently for a mistake that will change everything. But not exactly clear to the eye, more so reading between the lines whilst a scar rips open around the tight chest.

Falling apart, apart, its a simple art, art.

Your all I see, sink into me, Sharpen you teeth, sink into me.

Imerse me in this dark place, forever more."



So, So, So.

I'm getting that hoodie i wanted, presuming there isn't a better one available. I managed to persuade my mum that £80 is enough to cover everything, Including tax, and its ridiculous if it isn't.

I think im gonna go get lost in Bones now, I'm not really buying this whole positivity because it thought i would feel better but instead i feel ten times worse.

Leibe.

Clandestine is my winona

How amazing is this hoodie!? I want it, but theres only been 300 made, and i doubt that i can afford it...not with taxing and everything. But its actually amazing! I bet its nice and warm too...

I think im gonna sell my DS before may 1st

Taking Back Funday.

Retaliation is just as bad as perseverance.
Presumption is just as bad as misinterpretation.
And caring is just as bad as being heartless.

Pathetic

1. Causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness, sorrow, etc; pitiful, a pathetic letter, a pathetic sight.

2. Affecting or moving feelings.

3. Pertaining to or caused by the feelings.

4. Miserably or contemptibly inadequate: In return for our investment we get a pathetic three percent interest.

Everything is connected and everything turns up in shame. I hate myself for the misinterpretations of my presumptions and every retaliation is ten times as bad as perseverance. Someone once said that you can't place a plaster on an arterial bleed - you've just got to let it heal. Now I understand healing isn't easy. Complication occurs, infection spreads. It’s like an anaesthetic and you can't see what’s really happening in front of you. Everything's just running out of control - life support machines being hooked up, heart monitor on, it's not looking good. All of that is enough to lose yourself and to see the true point.

Hate is a strong word, and aiming at someone’s pain is just as bad as pulling the plug on a strangers life support machine. Sometimes you have got to be selfish to be selfless, but what is selflessness when you can't even see the message right in front of your face.

I told myself I was better but things have gone too far. I'm back at square one and this time I am not persevering through this.

Here is my message:

If you have something to say to me then say it. Seriously, or are you going to be as 'petty' as me and not realise how miserable everything is?

'Inversions'

I just realised,

KT Tunstalls music is amazing.